Oh, the Irony
by ObsidianBlackCat
Summary: Peter Parker should have been used to surprises by now. In his defense, how was he supposed to know his worst day would turn into his best? How was he supposed to suspect that only once his world fell apart would it finally all come together? A one-shot.


Oh the Irony

**This is sort of an AU alternate version of that episode when Goblin kidnapped Peter and briefly turned him into Carnage. This time, the Goblin has something else up his sleeve, something that will make Peter want to laugh and cry. I can't recall if Aunt May knew Peter's secret in that episode, but she does in this version. Aside from that, I tried to keep most things in canon.**

**I'm not entirely sure what genre this is. It's kind of angst and tragedy and friendship and a little parody all at once.**

**Now that I'm transitioning into more serious stories, reviews would be much appreciated.**

* * *

Peter Parker should have been used to surprises by now. In some ways, he kind of was. He encountered them almost every day. He instigated them every other day. But this was still a surprise.

In his defense, when you and your best friend are attacked by said friend's crazy mutated father, you kind of expect the friend to be the one kidnapped. Especially when you're the superhero. That's just how these things go, after all.

Yet here Peter was, awakening to (yet another) strange and sinister lab setting. His muscles were still sore from the electric shock even though he had pretended to be unconscious for longer than he actually was. Peter Parker wasn't supposed to heal so quickly after all. It was harder than he had expected. What were probably minutes felt like hours. He wondered if now was an acceptable time to 'wake up'. The lab appeared to be empty through his squinted eyelids.

Hm, should he pretend to be surprised and scared? This was the 'first time' Peter was kidnapped. Spider-Man had a lot more experience.

It wasn't very hard to feel afraid right now. Peter wasn't proud of it, but he let it show as he opened his eyes. There was no point in pretending to wear a mask right now. He would save his composure for when Goblin undoubtedly started trash talking Spider-Man.

Peter had a feeling he would laugh out loud if Goblin threatened to kill Spider-Man in front of him.

Finally getting a good luck around, he found that the setting wasn't as familiar as he had assumed. This wasn't any of the labs Spider-Man had been taken to. It had most of the same equipment though. Interestingly enough, there was a window near the ceiling on the opposite wall. Was Goblin really taking the risk of having his secret lab so close to the surface? He and Doctor Octopus usually made their homes deep underground. Peter wasn't complaining though. It would make escaping way easier than it usually was.

Unfortunately, he was strapped to a partially upright table. Peter wiggled a bit, his heart dropping to his stomach. These were the super strong type of restraints, the ones that were made to hold super strong individuals like Spider-Man. Peter hoped this was a coincidence. This didn't definitively prove that Goblin knew Peter was Spider-Man. There was a chance the Goblin recycled. Supervillains recycled.

It's true. He had seen recycling bins in several evil lairs and labs.

Taking a deep breath, Peter focused on his left wrist. It was hard to tell with the restraint so tight, but he was pretty sure his communicator was also digging into his skin. That was a relief, although it was uncomfortable. Thank goodness the communicator was invisible by default. He hoped it still worked. It had withstood worse shocks, so it was probably transmitting his location right now. If they were as close to the surface as he suspected, then his team would be breaking in any minute now.

"Ah, you're awake so soon? You're stronger than you appear, Peter."

The Goblin came from a sliding door Peter had previously not noticed. It blended in with the rest of the wall as it slid shut again.

"Why am I here? What do you want from me?" Peter asked. He tried not to sound too harsh or bored. It was weird to . . . not put on an act. He was just so used to it.

The Goblin came to his side, fiddling with things on a lab tray beside him. "I don't want things, Peter. I've experienced material wealth. It really isn't enough to complete a man. No, I want what I've been trying to have for years. I want a perfect son. I want you."

Peter inwardly flinched. Right, he vaguely remembered Goblin saying something along those lines before he was zapped. He hoped Harry didn't take that insane rambling to heart.

"Perfect? I'm not perfect. I'm a nerd with only a few friends who gets C's in Gym and English because I apparently can't write an essay to save my life. Harry is way better rounded than I am."

"Harry passes what he can. He doesn't have ambition, not like you."

Peter frowned. "I had heard you were evil now, but that's just cruel. How can you say that about your own son?"

The Goblin paused, staring Peter in the eye. "I am not cruel. I tried my best to help Harry better himself, but he resists every time. Why should I waste my time with a lost cause when I can help someone else rise from being nothing? I can help you achieve greatness."

"You realize you're insulting me too now, right?"

"You just said it yourself, Peter. You're not perfect. I can make you perfect, if only you be mine."

Peter had to physically bite his tongue to prevent himself from making a Valentine joke. He was already being rather defiant for the Peter Parker that Norman Osborn knew. "I'm already taken." Joke. Darn it. Well, he had tried. "You may have been out of the loop, but I still have Aunt May."

"Do you?" Goblin asked slowly, busying his large hands again. Peter's heart went cold. "Do you know that, back when your uncle died, I promised myself that I would adopt you if anything happened to your aunt? I cared for you even then, only now did I decide to act on that."

"Don't you _dare_ threaten Aunt May," Peter growled.

"See? That's the drive I was telling you about. Don't worry. I would never do anything to upset you."

"You kidnapped me."

Goblin smirked. "Correction: I would never do anything _unnecessary_ to upset you. And you'll be much happier when I'm done." He lifted his hand, bringing the syringe into full view.

"What are you going to do?" Peter's voice wavered. He let it waver.

The Goblin began waving the syringe around as he spoke. Peter's eyes followed it.

"Do you know that I loath Spider-Man? Completely despise him. When my son obtained Venom, I had hoped he would be able to end Spider-Man when I could not. I would have been willing to take him back if he had. But he was weak. He fought the symbiote even as it nearly helped him achieve victory." He rolled up Peter's sleeve. "Considering that that was the test my true son failed, it will also be the test you must pass for me to take you in as my own. I am a fair man, after all."

The irony was nearly as painful as the anxiety. Peter really hoped his team was on his way. "You mean that needle has that—that black goo monster?"

"Alas, no. Shield either took or destroyed all my previous samples. This is the next best thing. Since Venom gave Harry strength and agility to rival Spider-Man's, I must also make you his equal."

It took a minute for Peter to find his voice. It then took another minute for him to think of a response other than _me and Spider-Man are already as equal as you can get_. And then it took just a few more seconds for the implications of the statement to sink in. "Then what _are_ you going to do to me?"

"Really, Peter, I thought you were smarter than this. I'm giving you spider powers." Goblin flicked the syringe before gripping Peter's arm. "This will only sting for a second."

Peter's heart was hammering now, and his breathing was rapid and shallow. "No! Please!" This was bad. This was just about as bad as it could get. What if it was defective and only harmed him? Even if it did work, what did spider powers do to a person with spider powers? Would he be immune? Would it mutate him? Was he going to have to willfully tell the Goblin that he already was Spider-Man?

On second thought, no, that was a bad idea. That was the only one that led to instant death.

"Relax. Tensing your muscles will only make it hurt more. If it makes you feel better, I already tested this on a sample of your blood. Your cells remained healthy and the powers bonded to your DNA quite nicely."

Despite his worry, Peter had to bite back another laugh.

The needle hovered right above Peter's skin. This was about the time that his team usually arrived. The moment before anything drastic really happened to him.

The pain was sharp, but brief, as promised.

The Goblin bent down to whisper in his ear.

"I'm sorry, Peter. This will take some time. Would you to watch TV to pass the time? I'm afraid you only have the choice of a handful of DVD's though. Channels won't come in what with the signal disruptor and all."

Peter grit his teeth and shut his eyes. It appeared he would be here for a while.

* * *

The Goblin didn't leave Peter's side after that. He just waited nearby, working on what was undoubtedly a weapon or some other painful thing. It didn't help his nerves, but Peter did his best to remain calm. Shield had a gazillion resources. They had found the locations of a bunch of other secret labs. They'd be here soon.

In the meantime, Peter tried to remember the only experience that might prepare him for this.

When he was bitten at Oscorp, it hadn't taken him long to start feeling sick. Of course, that was hard to gauge right now because he had felt sick since before the injection. What else had he felt? He hadn't really tried to remember so many details before, but now he realized that it had mostly been a blur.

It had at least been a private affair, no evil psychos hovering over him. But then that had been almost as nerve wracking. Being alone when you felt so sick, not telling anyone that you felt like you might pass out and never wake up . . . no, it hadn't been pleasant at all. At least now Goblin might attempt to help him if he had an adverse reaction.

That didn't really make him feel better either.

Focusing as much as he could, Peter tried again. First had come dizziness and a bit of nausea, but mild enough that he had been able to make it back home. Then he felt lightheaded, and he might have broken into a cold sweat at some point right before he passed out on his bed. His clothes and sheets had been slightly damp when he woke up. That made sense now that he thought about it. Having your DNA altered was bound to do a number on you.

Peter took a deep breath. No, none of this was really making him feel better.

A red light suddenly flashed on. Goblin looked up sharply, baring his teeth. "It seems we have company, Peter. I'll be sure to let them know you're too sick to go out to play."

The Goblin placed down the mechanism he was working on and left through the same door he had come in through. Peter sighed in relief. At least he was right about Shield's promptness. If it was his team, he wondered how they were going to play off Spider-Man's absence. Maybe they would say he stayed to protect May and Harry. Peter definitely would have done that if he hadn't been the one kidnapped.

A banging sound reverberated through the room, and fist shaped indents began to appear in the wall next to the hard-to-see door. A moment later, Nova flew through the new hole. He quickly surveyed the room, swooping down to land next to Peter.

"Hey, helpless citizen. Your name's Percy, right? I'll give you an autograph after I rescue you."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Save the paper. I was hoping the absolutely awesome Spider-Man was going to save me."

Sam's grin showed beneath his helmet. "Well, you're in luck." He pointed at the hole he had made. Spider-Man jumped through, coming to his side. "God, the look on your face! Don't worry, that's just a Chameleon Bot. We figured we might as well show off the vast differences between the lame Spider-Man and the even more uncool Peter Parker." Sam hung his arm around 'Spider-Man's shoulders. "And the best part is, he hardly talks! I'm going to ask Fury if we can make the replacement permanent."

"Oh, ha ha. Mind unshackling me now? You're kind of failing at the rescue part. Besides, I need to get to Dr. Connors ASAP."

Sam blasted the restraints off. "What do you mean? What'd he do to you?"

Rubbing his wrists, Peter stood, wobbling only slightly. "Goblin had the brilliant idea of giving me spider powers so I can kill Spider-Man." He looked at the Chameleon Bot. "Don't worry, you're too handsome to kill."

"Thank you!" it responded.

Sam was silent for all of five seconds before he burst out laughing. "O my God! You mean he—Did he really—Ha! That's hilarious!"

Peter waited patiently for Nova to regain his composure. He couldn't wait though. Now that he was standing, the room was starting to spin. He leaned against a nearby table. "Hey, Nova, can we maybe hurry it up? I'm not feeling so—"

A flash of light, and Sam was thrown across the room. Peter looked around. The Goblin wasn't there, but a row of laser guns had come out of the far wall. Getting a better look at the rest of the room, Peter spotted an active laptop. "Don't worry Nova, I'll save you. I'll gain control of the security system. You don't know what an honor it is to help a bighead—I mean big-shot."

"Can you be anymore obvious?" White Tiger asked from the doorway. "And thanks a lot, Nova. We're dealing with a deadly security system because you couldn't find the door! You short-circuited it when cut through the wall!"

"Sorry! The skinny kid's got us covered though," Nova responded as he evaded the lasers. 'Spider-Man' also had to dodge. Nothing touched Peter. "It doesn't see him as a threat."

Peter heard White Tiger's small snort. She jumped up to break one of the laser guns, but it swiveled and caught her in the shoulder. "Ouch! We'd appreciate the help, Mr. Parker."

"Wow, you guys are way less cool than you seem on TV," Peter grumbled as he made his way over to the computer. The room spun faster when he walked. He had to shuffle along the table to reach the keyboard.

"What's wrong with—?" White Tiger began to ask, but Goblin rammed her into the room.

"Nothing is wrong with him! I'm making him better! Better than Spider-Man himself!" Goblin's gaze fell on 'Spider-Man'. "Ah, and there he is. I hope Peter won't mind if I'm tempted to smash your skull in myself."

"That would be rude," 'Spider-Man' said.

The Goblin mused that for a second. "For once you may be right. I already have promised it to him." He turned to the table Peter had been strapped to. "Where's my boy?!"

Peter did his best to ignore the conversation as he typed furiously. It would take a password to turn off the weapons, but only a few commands to make them do something else if he took manual control. It wouldn't take so long, except his vision was blurring. Had that happened last time? Probably. He just hadn't had anything he needed to look at last time.

The sound of fighting began behind him. Iron Fist's and Power Man's voices soon joined the mix, but they were still having trouble. One glance showed Peter they were hardly getting close to hitting The Goblin. They were too busy evading all the weapons.

"There's Peter!" Goblin noticed at last. "Are you trying to help these heroes? You're going to earn yourself a spanking."

Peter couldn't help himself. "You're the one who needs a timeout." He finally finished changing the system. Now how did the targeting controls work?

"You shouldn't talk back to your elders." The Goblin's growl sounded closer now.

A live feed of the room popped onto the screen.

This was going to be fun.

The Goblin was pelted on all sides by the lasers. He rammed against each wall, pulling the guns from the wall even as the lasers seared his thick skin.

"Great!" White Tiger said. "Nova, Spider-Man, get Parker out of here. We'll keep—"

"NO!" Goblin roared.

Nova sped towards Peter, scooping him up. Peter grabbed the laptop before they flew off towards the small window. But the Goblin intercepted them. Nova veered off to the open door. 'Spider-Man' followed with the Goblin right behind. Peter laboriously switched the screen to the hallway. He had to stop the Goblin before he caught 'Spider-Man' and realized he was a robot. At least the Goblin was large. It made him hard to miss.

Peter missed him anyway.

Spears shot out of one wall. To soon. Goblin wasn't in their range at all.

'Spider-Man' was.

Everyone stopped.

Red liquid oozed from a dozen large holes.

Peter didn't know how to feel about that. He didn't know how he should react. The squeamish look of horror was probably appropriate though.

That could have been him.

And since when did Chameleon Bots come complete with lifelike blood?

Goblin laughed. "You did it! You didn't even use your new powers and you did it!" The barrage of spears retreated, letting the body fall to the floor with a thump. The Goblin lunged forward before Nova was ready to react, grabbing Peter in a spine squishing hug. "That's my boy!" He let go quickly, taking the laptop from Peter's arms. "I hope the camera footage is viable."

While the Goblin was busy, Nova helped Peter back up. "You just killed Spider-Man," he said in a strained voice. A soft snicker escaped him as he bent to whisper in Peter's ear. "I put the fake blood in there. I was planning to prank you later, but this is better."

"Should we really let him think Spider-Man is dead?" Peter asked quietly.

"Yes! Imagine the look on his face next time you kick his—"

"I've done it! Millions of people are viewing Spider-Man's demise!" The Goblin held his arms up in victory. He looked down at Peter. "Don't worry, son, I will keep your involvement a secret. We wouldn't want you in danger, hm?"

Peter stared at him in shock. It was one thing to let Goblin think he was dead, but the world . . . May was probably seeing it right now . . . even if he could call her in the next few minutes, she was probably already heartbroken . . . So many people were probably mourning right now . . .

As far as everyone else saw it, Spider-Man was dead.

Peter had killed Spider-Man.

He must have been losing consciousness. Nova was already flying him away while the others held Goblin back. The sounds and shouts sounded more distant than they were. And then there was nothing at all.

* * *

Peter woke to another familiar lab, but this one was familiar in a good way. It was Shield's medical bay. And Aunt May was sitting next to him.

"Peter? You're awake! Dr. Connors, he's awake!"

There were bags under her eyes, which were red and puffy. Peter felt so bad. "I'm sorry, May."

"Sorry? What are you sorry about? You were kidnapped! I'm just glad you're safe."

"But—the video . . . Did you . . .?"

May sighed, scooting her chair closer to the bed. "Yes, I did. But you're here now. That's all that matters." Peter opened his mouth to speak, but May shushed him. "I'll hear no more about it. Your friends already told me everything. You were just trying to help. And it worked too. The Goblin is in custody."

"He is? Oh, well, that's good. So they told you about the injection?"

May nodded. Dr. Connors hurried in.

"Peter, glad you're awake! How are you feeling?"

"Be honest," May commanded.

Peter took a moment to really think about that question. He did feel a lot better, and he didn't seem to have eight arms or anything drastic. That was a relief. "I feel fine. I'm kind of sore, but that's how I felt last time too. Nothing changed, right?"

Dr. Connors busied himself with the nearby monitoring devices. "That's good. I've been running tests all night and everything seemed fine. Norman really outdid himself. That serum he used very close to the original venom you encountered. That worked to your benefit. Your DNA was already altered in most places it tried to attack."

Peter frowned. "Most places?"

"How do your wrists feel?"

Curious, Peter lifted his head a bit so he could see his wrists. They hurt just about as much as the rest of him. Why were they bandaged? He didn't remember getting any injuries. "Fine . . . Why?"

May leaned over, putting her hand on Peter's. "I told you, Connors. Just spit it out. It's not the end of the world."

Nodding, Dr. Connors proceeded to remove the bandage from one of Peter's wrists. Underneath, there was a small hole in his skin.

"You've gained spinnerets in your wrists. As far as I can tell, they're completely functional."

"Oh, gross!"

"Well, it's far from the worst thing that could have happened. And there's nothing I can do about it. I've learned my lesson in self-mutation." Dr. Connors shrugged. "I have some good news for you too. You have a visitor."

Peter frowned. "Only one?"

Dr. Connors smiled. "Your team is here, but we decided to have them wait. Harry doesn't know that you feel at home here anyway."

Peter's eyes widened. "Harry?! But—but—he doesn't know about . . . anything!"

"Sure he does. He knows you were kidnapped. I'll let him tell you the rest." Dr. Connors left.

May gave her nephew a reassuring smile. "Don't worry. He doesn't know anything about you being Spider-Man."

Peter wanted to ask more, but Harry was led in at that moment. He waved at them.

"Hey, Pete, Mrs. P. How are you feeling?"

"I'm all right. Just tired." Peter shifted his arms so his wrists faced down. Why didn't Connors wrap them up again?

Harry awkwardly sidled down next to Peter. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. He's my dad. He should only be my problem."

Peter shook his head. "It's not your fault at all and you know it."

"Yeah, but still . . . He sent me the video. He shouldn't have forced you into that position."

Peter blinked at him. "I'm not in the video, am I? He told me I wasn't."

"You're not in the video he put on the internet. He sent me an extended version." Harry looked away at the wall. "I know I was never a huge fan of Spider-Man, but I'm sorry he's gone. And I'm sorry that you had to be the one to do it. From the look on your face, I know you didn't mean to do it. I'm sorry you got involved in the weirdness of my life just because I disappointed my dad. I mean, I'm not, like, apologizing for not killing Spider-Man when I was Venom, but—"

Peter held up a hand to stop him. "I get it. To be honest, I thought you were going to be really angry at me."

"Why? Because you accidentally succeeded to fulfill my dad's crazy dream? Nah, I understand he's not in his right mind. Maybe I didn't always understand that, but I do now." Harry sighed. "I kind of wish I had apologized to Spider-Man for causing all that trouble. Instead I blamed him for everything."

"Well," May interjected. "I'm sure Spider-Man understood you were just upset. If he was willing to save the son of J. Jonah Jameson, then he had no qualms about you."

Harry nodded, looking up at her. "Thanks, Mrs. P. So . . ." A grin began to form on his face as he turned back to Peter. "Was Dad right? Did the powers stick?"

"Um . . ." Peter reached back to rub the back of his neck. Something in his wrist shifted and a line of white attached to the pillow. He looked at Harry, eyes wide.

"You got webs? Awesome!" Harry stood to examine the strand. "Anything else?"

"I . . . I haven't really checked yet. I haven't been out of bed."

"You'll have to show me everything when you get home! Hey, Mrs. P, how do you feel about your nephew having superpowers?"

May smiled proudly. "I don't know. I can hardly tell the difference. I always thought he was super."

Peter frowned at her as he worked to detach the web. "Really, May?"

"She's got a point, Pete. You can do great things with these powers. Isn't that what your Uncle Ben said? Great power brings great responsibility?" Harry's eyes lit up. "You could be the next Spider-Man!"

"You really think I could do it?" Peter honestly wanted to know the answer to that.

"Yeah, why not? You have the powers now. You're already here in the Helicarrier. You should ask for training! You'll continue Spider-Man's legacy! That's what he would have wanted."

Peter became very focused in removing the web from his wrist. He tried not to pull. He didn't want to know how that would feel just yet. Finally, that thing in his wrist shifted again and he was able to bring his hand in front of him again. He turned to face Harry.

He had no idea what to say.

"I'll think about it," Peter said at last, a small smile making its way onto his lips. "I'm glad you think I can do it."

Dr. Connors came back into the room then. He addressed Harry. "I'm sorry, Mr. Osborn, but I need to run a few more tests. If you follow the guard in the hallway, you'll be escorted home with Mrs. Parker in a short while."

Harry nodded and said his goodbyes. "I'm telling you, Pete. Ask to join Shield. See you around."

Peter didn't dare wave. "We'll see. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it." When Harry was gone, Peter turned to Dr. Connors. "Are you really here to run more tests?"

The doctor shook his head. "No. Fury wants to speak to you and your team. I think he's going to ask you to join Shield, Mr. Parker." Connors winked.

The team came in first, dressed in civilian clothes. Sam was wearing all black. Peter raised an eyebrow.

"You're in mourning, huh?"

"Yes I am." Sam moaned. "The best version of Spider-Man is gone! He was so nice, so quiet, so programmable!"

"I'm touched." Peter rolled his eyes.

Ava sat beside him. "You should be. Thousands of people are holding memorials for Spider-Man. You have a lot of fans."

"I bet Jameson is happy."

"Well, yeah. But that's really hurting his ratings now. People are accusing him of spreading lies about your intentions. There's a major boycott on the Daily Bugle."

"Wow . . . That's . . . wow," Peter said.

"Doc Connors said you have natural webbing now," Luke said. "Can we see?"

Peter didn't get a chance to reply when Fury marched into the room. He quickly cut to the point.

"Do you still want to work for Shield?"

"Uh—" Peter glanced at May. She nodded. "I would. But how? I can't be Spider-Man anymore."

"Who said you'd be Spider-Man? It's just a mask. The mask can change as long as you're willing to wear it."

"But what about my style? My mannerisms? Some of the more intelligent bad guys out there are bound to notice the similarities to Spider-Man."

"Spider-Man is dead. That's all they know. If they choose to think Shield can resurrect the dead, so be it. Besides, you already have a suit that will alter your voice, and its capabilities will likely require a slightly different style."

"I do?" Peter frowned, casting around in his memory. "Oh, I do."

There was a suit, a special suit that he had only worn once or twice, a suit he hadn't felt he was ready for at the time. But now things had changed. He was better than he'd been all those months ago. Faster, quicker, smarter. He couldn't be the Ultimate Spider-Man anymore, but he was still well on his way to being Ultimate.

"Will you do it?" Fury asked.

Peter looked him in the eye. "As long as Tony Stark doesn't mind, I'll be the Ultimate Iron Spider."

* * *

**One last note: I know this ended a certain way, but it's still intended as a one-shot. I don't have any ideas of where to take this. That being said, if anyone feels inspired to do a continuation, let me know so I can read it!**


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